Sunday, November 14, 2010

after the spark comes the flame.

So..I don't really know what else to say except that I give up for now.
As much as I want a solid relationship, it's apparently not in the cards for me at this point of my life.
I was really satisfied with the way things were going with A, but it's over.
I feel a lot of emotions, but I haven't cried. This is new.

It's like I'm too shocked to react the way I normally would.
I don't think I deserved it.. I feel maybe there's like a mild stigma that I didn't 
earn. I feel like just as quickly as it picked up, it fell apart. I feel embarrassed because of 
what my family will probably say. He was the first that I had introduced them to in a longggg time. I feel abandoned, as if I betrayed someone
when I didn't do anything. I feel as soon as any form of insecurity sparked on his side, he bailed.
It's another guy who bails..big whoop.

Normally, I cry and mope around and sometimes skip both school and work. I cut myself off from the
world to grieve and don't even speak to my close friends...but this time is goes on.
I DID wanna cry when I went to his heart was so loud I was self conscious that he was gonna hear it. The only other time I came close to tears was last night when my phone mysteriously deleted all my inbox, including all the cute texts from him. Maybe it's a sign to not dwell on what's done. I'm extremely sad, but feel very clean (if that makes any sense). Normally I have some horrible drama or guilt or "what if"s in my head but for the most part, I feel I did everything right. I put 1356958692678% of myself into a relationship and with 100% integrity. Maybe that was my problem, though. I opened up more than I would ever but then again, the trust was there. Me trusting him so much led to him not trusting me...hmm?
I guess. I fell hard but I can't convince someone of something. Especially when I've already tried.
I've clearly expressed myself both verbally and psychically and if that's not enough, I don't know what is. I want him to come back, but his age makes that a slim chance.

He was what I needed after dealing with someone like S. He showed me a side I didn't think guys had anymore. He gives me hope that I can still find what I deserve in this corrupt world. There ARE good people just gotta look. I'm done looking though. It'll find me when it's the appropriate time. 
He was absolutely amazing..while it lasted. 

'til next time, stay classy<3

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

update..LONG overdue.

So I swore to myself I was going to write in my journal but I'm sleepy so this will have to suffice for now.
With this new semester in school has come a new appreciation for things..
I hadn't appreciated things in a long time..or at least not been so happy about it.
I always wanted to appreciate..and did, but was very bitter about stuff.
I actually feel happy. This is new to me. I don't know if it's a europhia that I'm experiencing 
because of a new man that's in my life. He really is a man. He's the package I've been wanting 
for a looonnggg time. It was so random but the intial spark has really heated up into an intense flame.

In the short time we've known each other, we've already been sick together, gone to church together, gone walking, ate.. a SHITLOAD, met my folks..just a lot of experiences I haven't shared with someone in a really long time. I'm really enjoying this blessing God has brought my way. :) Anyways, he's in South Carolina for two weeks so I need to shape up because I'm going to be a Hooters girl for Halloween! ;) haha. 

Upcoming things to look forward to? Afrojack's coming up this month! Ahh! This whole thing about everyone liking Deadmau5 is really pissing me off. I hate when people just "jump on the bandwagon". I've loved him I feel like I have to move on to another unknown. Anyways, I don't mind loving Usher and will see him in November, along with Trey Songz. Perfect. :)

I've had some minor drama at home but it's just really annoying. It's been a chronic thing and has begun to wear me out a bit, I think. 

I still have a lot of things to get done before January hits, but for now I can comfortably say that I am happy and hopeful and secure with my past, present, and future, which I think is something epic to say.

'til next time, stay classy!♥

Monday, August 23, 2010

a new slot to my bucket list.

I live in a city of comfort.
I'm not saying that's a bad thing..unless you strive on spontaneity.
There is a difference between structure and routine in life.
I love structure and purpose, but not so much routine.
Some routine is mandatory in life and I understand that but
I need a lot of stimulation because my mind travels at 2,165,463,232 mph.
I have a lot of ideas and no least not here.
I write..that's more like therapy though.

I hate to say it but if you don't party in Laredo, you're pretty much out of the loop.
You either settle and become like everyone else here or leave and do your own thing.
I think I still have a lot of growing up to do and since here, everyone kinda stays at the same level, no one is gonna push me.
I'm not saying I need the push but when you're around driven and positive people,
you tend to see positive results. It's a logical correlation.
If you hang out with smarter kids, your grades are higher.
If you hang out with trendy kids, you're gonna be more "image conscious".
Get the picture?

I'm not narrow-minded at all. In fact, I think I'm too open-minded sometimes, which is why
I want to branch out and discover my own set of solid beliefs. 
Maybe it's the Libra in me that has found both sides to almost everything but that leaves everyone else understood.
What about me? I've tried to fix everyone else for so long
that I kind of lost sight of myself. I was used to being someone's rock whether it was
my friends or boys that have come and gone. I think it's time I really get the space
space I deserve to evaluate everything I want for myself.

Next summer seems like the appropriate time to try something new because after that,
I'll have to tie down and focus on school to make sure I graduate on time.
I know probably only like 1.23 people read this, so I'm comfortable writing here 
about something I was keeping to myself to prevent the typical "monkey-see, monkey-do"
effect that is so contagious in Laredo.
I'm studying abroad next summer and I want to do it alone...
More money on top of my already pending obligations..but I think it'll be worth it.

-til next time, stay classy♥

p.s.- I miss him more and more as each day goes by.
I think it's because I'm becoming less and less bitter.
It's a balancing act, I suppose. ugh.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

angry chick music...well kind of.

OMG I'm such a girl. lmao 
I took pictures of the gift I made him but I think that gift should for private eyes only. Sorry.
Pretty creative though. I impressed myself.
Damn I would've made such a good army wife, haha jk.
So he left and that's done.
I've become comfortably numb to the whole situation and 
can move on to better things, I guess.
Like my new tattoo (yes I got it July 23rd) and blog title say..change is the only constant.
So far, so good.:)

'til then, stay classy!♥

Saturday, July 24, 2010

a new chapter?

This must be a sign from God, lol.

Anyways, I've finally decided to let things go with him.
I used to think that I was full of strength for even holding on this long, but
now I'm learning that sometimes it takes more strength to know when to let go.
I've done everything..and now I can't do anything but end things as best I can
and just let things can't change people or their actions..the only 
thing you can do is change your reaction to them. 
I miss being genuinely happy. I miss my spunk..
It's still there but now it's sporadic as opposed to the BAM you used to get.
Life's and sometimes you just gotta say fuck it and go with the flow.
haha, I feel like I'm just throwing out a bunch of lines but this is what I feel.
I think I had a slight epiphany. I mean, I've had them before but this one 
seems like it's gonna stick. 

I used to keep a journal a lot but now I'm blogging instead..
I don't blog often. I used to write a lot.
I don't know..something different I guess.
It's pretty much the same outlet but in a different format. 
The last writing I did was by far some of my best. 
Not like content wise like epic like "DAMMNN" but like therapeutic.

'til then, stay classy!♥

Friday, July 16, 2010


Just when I think I'm accepting the circumstance, he comes back into my life.
I mean, I wanted that.
I wanted to know it wasn't just me that was still thinking of him.
I wanted to know the whole "relationship" wasn't just a figment of my imagination.
He's back..but now what? Back to the endless mindfuck. 
He'll be gone again on the 27th.
I have a little something up my sleeve for my goodbye.
Luckily, him getting a hold of me allows me to go through with it.
Usually I warn him beforehand that I have a surprise coming his way but this one's gonna be unexpected. 
I think it'll leave a bigger impact that way.
Can't say what it is here though, hehe.

I take comfort in knowing that HE came back to ME for once but that's not enough.
What does he want? You come back to stay, not to leave again.
Peace of mind maybe? Even then, that's slightly unfair to me.
Putting me through heartbreak again just for his satisfaction. 
I mean, I did get what I want but I knew once I'd get that, I'd want more.
I'm used to him disappointing me (as horrible as that sounds) and now that he did 
something right, it really makes me wonder what his intentions are when he leaves.

I think he did something big (and very uncharacteristic)..but he resorted back to his typical self. 
People say I shouldn't settle..and that's true.
I have plenty of other guys who give me more attention and who will
value me more but it doesn't really mean much unless it's coming from him. 
He's a real puzzle♥..

Thursday, July 8, 2010

third law.

Sir Isaac Newton's third law of motion states that for every action there is an equal or opposite reaction
and if you think of life in a technical sense, this is very true.
Life is a never ending search of self-discovery and self-actualization and I'm still trying to figure things out.
I have to be realistic to where I am right now and to where I want to be.

I'm planning on moving to San Antonio in about 6 months, for more than one reason.
Problem is money. Isn't it always?
Well yeah, my dad apparently banks too much and I don't receive financial aid.
Not only that but my brother is starting college in the fall as well.

I'm working part-time, but that's more like extra money for my vices, gas, and food.
(oh and some debt I owe to IBC, hehe)
I did the math and can make pretty good bank if I also take on a full-time job.
I could actually juggle both with my fall schedule since I'll only have classes on Tuesdays & Thursdays.
I'll just never have a life. It's a small sacrifice though for the freedom I can experience in San Antonio.
I can save up until the end of the year and have more than enough money that I can even use to pay
in advance for rent.

Sounds promising but I'd just really have to cut down on spending money on stupid shit.
It's all about numbers and lately I'm realizing the saying "there's power in numbers" is quite accurate in circumstances like mine.

Okay, so about this whole "third law" title...
just as I decide that I might grow some balls and actually explore some of MY interests, I read this article:

talk about total trip kill..I was really planning on hitting a few of these things up.
I've always wanted to and even though I've used money as an excuse, it's more fears of going out of Texas
or the fact that I don't know people who are into this genre of music enough to go with.
So just as I decide to take action (aka look into costs and travel), there comes news that they're possibly gonna be done away with. Just my luck, right? Oh well, this is where prayer comes in I suppose.
Contrary to what most of you are thinking..NO, I DO NOT want to go over there to roll. I've pretty much stopped that but I'm still addicted to the scene. Here are videos of the ones I wanna check out:

'til next time, stay classy! ♥

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

slight update.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

After weeks of misfortune with phones, I FINALLY have a fully functioning phone that I am satisfied with. I can now Facebook on the go again, haha.
You can call me old school if you want, but I love my Sidekick♥
After my Blackberry fucked up, I was gonna upgrade to HTC but I figured
I've been curious about Sidekicks since they first came out so I wanted to
get one before they come off the market for good. I designed the skin @
I also got two more.. not that you care though, haha. Go there if you like personalization
like I do.. it's cheap and it's
badass. :) Enough about phones though..

So I have a little over a week now at Guitar Center.
It's pretty chill. Get paid to be eye candy to all the horny old men & musicians and verify receipts. It's the kind of job I wanted..easy money. You kind of have to pay attention to what you're doing but other than that, it's good.

I feel better now that my schedule is filling up again.
Being a bum makes me overthink too much shit..
especially about him...
Slowly though I'm starting to realize that my close group of friends are really one of a kind. 
As long as I stay busy, I'm happier..

But yeah.. that's it for now. I felt weird since it had a while since I last blogged. More pics up soon to show you my adventures as a cheerleader, haha.

'til then, stay classy!♥

Friday, June 18, 2010

pointless nostalgia.

"The darkest moments of our lives are not to be buried and forgotten, 
rather they are a memory to be called upon for inspiration
to remind us of the unrelenting human spirit 
and our capacity to overcome the intolerable."
-Author Unknown.

..beautiful but easier said than done. At least it feels that way right now..
I'm in a situation that's out of my control. I put 110% and still didn't get what I wanted.
I guess it was doomed from the get-go, but I had faith that things would work. Still do.
It's hard to wait around for something you know may never happen but it's even harder when
you know it's everything you want.

I feel like I shouldn't wait because he's going to be gone in about a month. 
Probably forever.
The fucking military taking everyone away, lol.
I can't help but want to resort to my old ways and go back, but after the past two
run-ins with him, there's not much to go off of. 
Maybe it's my pride (and fear of rejection) talking but I've gone through enough to 
know when to just let things be. It's all in God's hands, I guess.
I wish He would've just given me this one thing cuz I normally don't ask for much.
I haven't even talked to this guy in exactly one month and 10 days and it's been a drag.
I'm never been the sappy, lovey-dovey type, but damn..
I've never wanted anything (or anyone) this bad..

Enough venting, lol.
Highlight in my life as of now?
* Officially employed again (Guitar Center)*
haha, something to keep my mind distracted. 

Looks like since I'm not getting the man I want, I'll have to settle for 
Toby as my main man. :) Below are some pics of him:
'til next time, stay classy!♥

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Thursday, June 10, 2010

pain is inevitable. suffering is optional.

After this post, I've decided that I'm gonna update at least weekly..
I have a lot on my mind but I don't know how much I'm willing to share just yet.
I'm still testing the waters.
Yeah, so I took a quiz that takes like a minute.
What you do is pick just a color from a group (the first one you see) and just keep doing so until there's none left.
You do this with 2-3 groups I believe, and the results are pretty dead on.
Weird huh?
I e-mailed the results to myself the rare times I've done it and it really surprises me how accurate this thing is.
The more recent results hit really close to home right now.
You should check it out yourself.
(Apparently having any sort of confidence means you're self-centered, lol)
Later for now; stay classy!♥

Generated on Thu, 10 Jun 2010 06:55:46 -0700. 
Your Existing Situation
 "Works hard and is actively pursuing her goals; however,
she feels unappreciated and doesn't see any reward for her efforts."
Your Stress Sources
"His normal flexible and stubborn attitude has become weakened because she
feels overworked, tired and as if she is stuck in a rut.
The situation seems helpless and is causing her to physically feel the strain,
she is searching for a solution but she is unable to make a decision on how to go about
making the changes."
Your Restrained Characteristics
"Self-centered, tends to take this personally and is easily offended,
which leaves her feeling isolated."
His confidence is low but she is unable to admit that is the reason for her
avoidance of conflict.
Feels it is a situation out of her control and she is making the best of it.
"Although she feels isolated and alone,
she is afraid of forming deep, meaningful relationships. Is conceited
and is easily offended."
Feels as if too many walls and obstacles
are standing in her way and that she is being forced to make compromises.
she needs to put her own needs on hold for the time being.
Your Desired Objective
 Feels hopeless and depressed and looking for some relief.
Wants to feel safe physically and emotionally and a chance to recover from
the depression that she feels.
Your Actual Problem
 "Feeling tension and stress brought on by situations which are out of her control,
leaves her feeling helpless, anxious, and in adequate.
In order to build her self-esteem back up, she looks to
others for recognition, respect, and encouragement.
This can be a problem since she tends to blame others for her shortcomings.
Searching for solutions that are geared toward her needs and self-consciousness."
Your Actual Problem #2
 "Fears she will be held back from achieving things she really wants,
leading her to search endlessly for satisfaction and become involved
in activities which are pointless."
Thank you for using

divider Pictures, Images and Photos

Generated on Thu, 08 Oct 2009 12:36:20 -0700.
Your Existing Situation
"Very social and needs a highly social environment with people who depend on her
in order to feel safe,"
she is a go-getter and can adapt to almost any situation. "
Your Stress Sources
Feeling empty and isolated from others and trying to bridge
the gap between herself and others.
Wants to live life to the fullest and experience as much as possible.
she cannot stand any restrictions or obstacles put in her way
and only longs to be free.
Your Restrained Characteristics
"Although she is able to find contentment through sexual activity,
she feels hopeless to change her problems and difficulties
and continues to make the best of what she has."
Is bothered when her needs and desires are misunderstood and
she feels there is no one to turn to or rely on.
her self-centered attitude can cause her to be easily offended.
Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order
to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.
Your Desired Objective
Relies on love and friendship to bring her happiness.
she is in constant need for approval and this makes her willing to
help others in exchange for love and understanding.
she is open to new ideas as long as they are productive and interesting.
Your Actual Problem
"Feeling held back and restricted from moving forward,
looking for a solution that will give her more freedom and less obstacles."
Your Actual Problem #2
"Fears she will be held back from achieving things she really wants,
leading her to search endlessly for satisfaction and become involved in
activities which are pointless."

Thank you for using

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

first entry♥

it's 9:34am: Haven't slept.
Why? Racing thoughts.
Sometimes I wish my brain would just shut down.. :\
I've been wanting to start up one of these for a loonnngg time..
Wanted to do it before it was popular and the only reason I didn't
was because I didn't want to look like I had no life other than blogging, lol.
Now that it's more socially acceptable to document your life online, I figure I'd give it a shot.
Anyone who really knows me knows I love the title of my blog.
It's a contradicting way of pointing out the reality of things.
(I plan to get it on my body soon.)
Anyways, thanks for the love if you're here.
Shows you care enough to read, haha. :)

More posts up soon.
'til then, stay classy!♥