I tried with every pore in my body, every inch of my soul and I couldn't.
I cannot believe it. He took my body then erased me.
I am both full of emotion yet numb..
I both hate him for what he's done and said to push me away
and yet I love him for what he used to say and do to keep me.
I miss his willingness and efforts to show me how much he loved me..
Simply put: I miss his love...more than anything else in this entire world.
This song is exactly how my relationship with Andrew went...
One thousand words would not bring you back
I know because i tried
Neither would one thousand tears
I know because I cried
You left behind a broken heart
happy memories too
But I did not want memories...
I wanted you...
This poem is exactly how I feel.
I love him..
and as the emptiness consumes me, he's writing about the hell he's in for still talking to me..
My identity is lost because my identity became being his.
I am in an unrequited love so deep that even in my dreams, I can't escape.
I am lost..I am completely drained.. I am broken...I am angry..I am sad..
at myself, at Andrew, and partly at God.
He is the One I need and I don't feel Him around trying to help me.
I need Him...I kept trying cuz I thought He was rooting for us and saw what I saw.
...patience is both a virtue and a curse.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
To start this entry off, I'm going in order of the blog title.
I get pretty bored at work and start Googling sometimes just to make the hours go by faster. Of course, that'll get me going with all these ideas in my head (since I can never turn that thing off). Today was particularly insightful as I stumbled upon an article that inspired some of this entry.
I read that Time Magazine recently named Amy Poehler as one of Time's 100 Most Influential People and I gotta say that brought a smile to my face. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are some of the most refreshing people in Hollywood today and are what I aspire to be like one day. I don't mean that I wanna be a carbon copy of them professionally, physically, or anything but just comfortable in my skin. These women are not the norm. They do not rely on their sexuality to navigate their careers. You almost never hear how hot they both are before you hear about what they're doing with their lives. They aren't intimidated by men and gender stereotypes. They have opinions. They can laugh at themselves. Do they ever wear slutty clothes? No. Half the time, they're dancing like idiots or doing something equally embarrassing/hilariously awesome. They often bring in their loved ones into their own projects (in other words, they take care of who they care about). I think I look up to both because I see some of myself in them but because of my insecurities, I've kind of conformed in life sometimes. I know I'm on the path to embracing myself better and when I look at these women, they are not where they're at because they followed the traditional "leading lady" blueprint. They are themselves and have acquired success because they've embraced and highlighted that in everything that they do. In that aspect, I definitely respect them both and hope to one day resemble them in that sense. I've taken a test that's fairly accurate about the kind of person I am. Here's the link to my results. Although sometimes I hate being so nice, it's who I am. I've gotta learn to embrace rather than reject because I've done that with everyone/everything but myself.
Love, as I've learned this year, is not an emotion. It is a commitment. It's the hardest commitment to fulfill because it's so simple. People wanna use the phrases "common sense" and "common courtesy" but we rarely actually put those terms into practice (hence the other cliche: "It's a lot easier said that done"). Love has definitely been turned into something so complex because it's taken so many different definitions to so many groups of people. In today's society, I feel we all unconsciously look for what a person can give us rather than what/who a person is and once we find "that person", we slap the word love to it so we can lock the person in. To some, love is security and to others it's a good time. Love can be sex and love can be financial stability. We idolize based on the universal themes we're all wanting/thinking will make us happy but I've discovered different. People want to say love is "work" but that's a harsh adjective for "effort" and "attention". Disagree? Well let me throw a couple of examples at you:
A person who loves music: Spends money on gear, spends time on practicing/performing/studying, invests emotions because they're passionate. Does it feel like "work" to them? No. It's something they live for so it doesn't feel like an obligation.
Second, a person who loves themselves enough to notice the pounds packing on: Spends money on books/clothes/gym memberships/special foods, spends time reading those books (well if this person is committed, haha), going to the gym, making special meals with the special foods, etc. Does that feel like work to them? Well.... lol. Maybe, but they don't complain because they love themselves enough to "work" and pay attention and at least try ("effort") to to change their lifestyle to ultimately better themselves and their quality of life. For me, love is God. Why? God is perfect. I'm not saying I am but I try to think like he would every day. Some of the beginning of this sounds very cold but believe me, I am the corniest, most romantic, most pathetic (lol) girl on the planet when it comes to love but it's just a different mindset I've had lately to ultimately receive that dream I want. Why spend time finding the perfect person instead of creating the perfect love? I'll post up the links to an amazing set of sermons by Andy Stanley that have helped. Would I say I love? Definitely. By nature, I think I'm naturally a loving person but have never really had the leverage to show to what extent. I do love though..very deeply. This link is pretty much how I love and how I want to be loved.
Lastly, trust. To make this short (since I've blabbed forever on this thing), trust is not earned. It is given. How do I know? I tried to earn trust...so hard and fell even harder. It's never going to work that way though. There have been people that have done things to merit my trust but I really can't think of 5 five people I completely trust. Some people have never done me wrong but I refuse to let them in. That sounds mean but it's just to illustrate a point. I've let other people in my past who haven't been worthy to have my trust and that's why I'm such a bitter ass bitch. (haha a little dry humor at the end) Nah, but you know what I mean? Trust is something we give to people and in a way, it's more flattering than giving someone your love.
I wanna talk more but I won't. I'll end with this:
Everyone must go see Crazy, Stupid, Love. It's one of my favorite new movies.
'til next time, stay classy!♥