Monday, July 4, 2011

the falling action.

There's no bible study today cuz of the 4th of July so I feel like I don't know what to do with myself, lol.
In English, there's a model for most novels. 
Exposition: basically the introduction (where characters, plot, setting, etc. are revealed) 
Rising Action: the build up of the whole story 
Climax: the turning point of everything
Falling Action: what happens after the "dun dun dun" moment.
Resolution: fairy tale? (or not, whatever: the ending)
   Now if I use that and apply it to my life, I'd say I'm in the falling action phase. The hardest part is over. My break up has literally redefined everything for me. Some have told me there's worse. They're right.. but for me, this has been the hardest thing I've dealt with emotionally. It's made me evaluate my entire life and why things happened the way they did that led up to it. I'm human. I've messed up a myriad amount of times. So many, it's kinda overwhelming to think about. However, I haven't really ever grown as much as I have this summer. I have never cared about anything more than my past relationship. NEVER. Nothing has ever made me think I was wrong. I thought everything I did was just dealing with a bad set of cards over and over again. Nothing has ever made me feel so much (usually I shut down).
   I've had a lot of free time and everyday I think about writing in my journal but I can't. I can't even begin to imagine where I'd start. I'd want to write from day one of meeting Andrew. The initial interest, the whole "swept off my feet" feeling, the refreshing conversations, the gestures of love that amazed me, the falling in love all over again with him when he came back from South Carolina (feeling like I was a giddy high schooler again), the complete euphoria I felt day after day after day until the problems started and the indescribable devastation I felt when things fell apart. Just to write about all the good would take me like a year because the moments replay in my head and feel just as real as when I watch TV. I always want to punch myself when I think about how much I've left out of my life in my journals. Andrew's even commented on it but if he only knew. Every time something has happened with him, I've wanted to write it down at that moment to document the raw feelings but I get caught up in the awe of it and always put it off. I could reflect now and write about it but I think it would've been a completely different and more vivid rendition of my relationship. I really think the pages would've screamed so loud with emotion that you'd have to close the notebook. 
   As of late, I'm not trying to dwell in the bad part of it but if I could sum up the feelings with something, it'd be this:
               You were my home
               Now I just walk the streets.
               My soft warm bed
               Now has only cold sheets.
               You were my sun
               Now the world's dark and cold.
               We were a future
               Now there's just growing old.
   I would share the other one but this entry would be kinda long, lol. Anyways, I've been on an emotional roller coaster ride this summer, considering I haven't had much of a social life. It's lead me to a better path with purpose. I still feel lost in many ways, but before this would've had me running to my old vices so I'd feel invincible again. Now, I'm taking things as they hit me and learning that it's okay to not feel 100% all the time. It's on those days that you can build yourself up again  and be even better on your good days. I don't exactly have all the answers to my life yet, but at least I know who to go to now.
   Despite what's happened between us, I still love Andrew more everyday. It matures daily too. I don't think I can describe what I feel for Andrew in words...but when I think of it, the famous Corinthians verses ring in my head. I think everything that I shown what's described in those verses except for the fact that I haven't been the most patient person in the world. It took a toll on him and ultimately, our relationship BUT thankfully God has shown me His amazing grace and allowed me to remain in contact with Andrew so now I'm trying to fix that flaw. It's really pulling me to come full circle from young lady to woman.The only person that's comforted me is one of my old coworkers who said that if I do love Andrew as much as it seems, to keep fighting. It's a daily battle with myself but hopefully I'll win the war. Do I know what's going to happen? No. Am I scared? Oh yeah...but I'm going with the miraculous signs He has shown me in the past couple of weeks and riding with that. I always knew it just wasn't my gut telling me to stick around and now that I'm trying to listen to the ultimate Coach, all I can do is pray to Him for more advice. He's already graciously come to me twice and it's been an eye-opener each time. Though my situation isn't my ideal one, I'm comforted by my faith which almost feels weird because when things used to happen to me, my sprinkle of faith in anything would evaporate in thin air. Now, I cling to my faith for dear life because it's the only thing that keeps me going. To anyone who does bother to read this thing, I just ask for prayer. I would be the happiest person alive if I could just have that moment I'm praying for. The moment to feel this again:
Thank you.
'til next time, stay classy♥

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