can't bring you back..

I tried with every pore in my body, every inch of my soul and I couldn't.
I cannot believe it. He took my body then erased me.
I am both full of emotion yet numb..
I both hate him for what he's done and said to push me away
and yet I love him for what he used to say and do to keep me.
I miss his willingness and efforts to show me how much he loved me..
Simply put: I miss his love...more than anything else in this entire world. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6jWBQzEnFY


This song is exactly how my relationship with Andrew went...


One thousand words would not bring you back
I know because i tried
Neither would one thousand tears
I know because I cried

You left behind a broken heart
happy memories too
But I did not want memories...


I wanted you...


This poem is exactly how I feel.
I love him.. 
and as the emptiness consumes me, he's writing about the hell he's in for still talking to me..
My identity is lost because my identity became being his.
I am in an unrequited love so deep that even in my dreams, I can't escape.
I am lost..I am completely drained.. I am broken...I am angry..I am sad..
at myself, at Andrew, and partly at God. 
He is the One I need and I don't feel Him around trying to help me.
I need Him...I kept trying cuz I thought He was rooting for us and saw what I saw.
...patience is both a virtue and a curse.

leading ladies, love, and trust.

To start this entry off, I'm going in order of the blog title.

I get pretty bored at work and start Googling sometimes just to make the hours go by faster. Of course, that'll get me going with all these ideas in my head (since I can never turn that thing off). Today was particularly insightful as I stumbled upon an article that inspired some of this entry.

I read that Time Magazine recently named Amy Poehler as one of Time's 100 Most Influential People and I gotta say that brought a smile to my face. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are some of the most refreshing people in Hollywood today and are what I aspire to be like one day. I don't mean that I wanna be a carbon copy of them professionally, physically, or anything but just comfortable in my skin. These women are not the norm. They do not rely on their sexuality to navigate their careers. You almost never hear how hot they both are before you hear about what they're doing with their lives. They aren't intimidated by men and gender stereotypes. They have opinions. They can laugh at themselves. Do they ever wear slutty clothes? No. Half the time, they're dancing like idiots or doing something equally embarrassing/hilariously awesome. They often bring in their loved ones into their own projects (in other words, they take care of who they care about). I think I look up to both because I see some of myself in them but because of my insecurities, I've kind of conformed in life sometimes. I know I'm on the path to embracing myself better and when I look at these women, they are not where they're at because they followed the traditional "leading lady" blueprint. They are themselves and have acquired success because they've embraced and highlighted that in everything that they do. In that aspect, I definitely respect them both and hope to one day resemble them in that sense. I've taken a test that's fairly accurate about the kind of person I am.  Here's the link to my results. Although sometimes I hate being so nice, it's who I am. I've gotta learn to embrace rather than reject because I've done that with everyone/everything but myself. 

 http://www.ipersonic.com/type/EI.html

Love, as I've learned this year, is not an emotion. It is a commitment. It's the hardest commitment to fulfill because it's so simple. People wanna use the phrases "common sense" and "common courtesy" but we rarely actually put those terms into practice (hence the other cliche: "It's a lot easier said that done").  Love has definitely been turned into something so complex because it's taken so many different definitions to so many groups of people. In today's society, I feel we all unconsciously look for what a person can give us rather than what/who a person is and once we find "that person", we slap the word love to it so we can lock the person in. To some, love is security and to others it's a good time. Love can be sex and love can be financial stability. We idolize based on the universal themes we're all wanting/thinking will make us happy but I've discovered different. People want to say love is "work" but that's a harsh adjective for "effort" and "attention". Disagree? Well let me throw a couple of examples at you:

A person who loves music: Spends money on gear, spends time on practicing/performing/studying, invests emotions because they're passionate. Does it feel like "work" to them? No. It's something they live for so it doesn't feel like an obligation.

Second, a person who loves themselves enough to notice the pounds packing on: Spends money on books/clothes/gym memberships/special foods, spends time reading those books (well if this person is committed, haha), going to the gym, making special meals with the special foods, etc. Does that feel like work to them? Well.... lol. Maybe, but they don't complain because they love themselves enough to "work" and pay attention and at least try ("effort") to to change their lifestyle to ultimately better themselves and their quality of life. For me, love is God. Why? God is perfect. I'm not saying I am but I try to think like he would every day. Some of the beginning of this sounds very cold but believe me, I am the corniest, most romantic, most pathetic (lol) girl on the planet when it comes to love but it's just a different mindset I've had lately to ultimately receive that dream I want. Why spend time finding the perfect person instead of creating the perfect love? I'll post up the links to an amazing set of sermons by Andy Stanley that have helped. Would I say I love? Definitely. By nature, I think I'm naturally a loving person but have never really had the leverage to show to what extent. I do love though..very deeply. This link is pretty much how I love and how I want to be loved.

http://www.christian-marriage-today.com/definition-of-love.html

Lastly, trust. To make this short (since I've blabbed forever on this thing), trust is not earned. It is given. How do I know? I tried to earn trust...so hard and fell even harder. It's never going to work that way though. There have been people that have done things to merit my trust but I really can't think of 5 five people I completely trust. Some people have never done me wrong but I refuse to let them in. That sounds mean but it's just to illustrate a point. I've let other people in my past who haven't been worthy to have my trust and that's why I'm such a bitter ass bitch. (haha a little dry humor at the end) Nah, but you know what I mean? Trust is something we give to people and in a way, it's more flattering than giving someone your love. 

I wanna talk more but I won't. I'll end with this:

Everyone must go see Crazy, Stupid, Love. It's one of my favorite new movies. 

'til next time, stay classy!♥

apple, music, and other nonsense.

http://www.fox8.com/news/nationworld/la-fi-apple-cash-20110730,0,6877825.story?track=rss


apple:
If you click the link above, you'll read that Apple has more money than the "mighty" U.S. government.
I don't know whether to cry or laugh at this but I enjoy hearing all the clever jokes coming out of this so I'm laughing more than anything.
This just goes to show how even in the midst of one of America's worst troughs ever, our nation's population is still trying to preserve the image of wealth.
Do you REALLY need an iPad right now? No. Do you really have to have the newest iPhone? No. Will people be going crazy trying to get one when it comes out within the next year? Yes. Will they be trying to get the next one after that which will come out like 5 minutes after that? Probably. We are wearing ourselves out by just trying to keep up appearances. We are spending money we don't have on things we don't need and this mindset a mirror image of our government. I'm not going to act like I have this immense knowledge about what's going on because this summer I've been trapped in my own little bubble (lol) but everywhere I turn, it's the same things being pointed out. I'm just some girl in Texico with an opinion. We have the answer and it's just a matter of putting it into practice. I know it's a lot easier said that done since we're kinda screwed burying ourselves in too deep to get out but it's just something that I need to bitch (sorry, I'm trying to stop cussing) about for a couple of sentences. It just scares me. 


music:
The other day I was talking to my coworker and somehow we started talking about music (actually, it's pretty easy to stumble on that conversation in a music store). I used to be IN LOVE with techno music and as I was bringing up the lifestyle that came with it and everything, my coworker pointed out something I've never really considered. He said," I don't like that music and anyone who is a true musician and plays a real instrument doesn't like it because it's taken away our business. Unless you're a rock star and are just too messed up to care, then you like it. Other than that, no." It's so true. Any person who plays a legitimate instrument doesn't really care for really produced music. You rarely find a person who loves with both Led Zeppelin and Deadmau5 equally. There's a certain level of respect I've always had for someone who can play (not produce) and I've never been more aware of this until my coworker brought up how it's hurt business. He pointed out how before, you had options in nightlife and now it's all pretty much techno. I've always known this but I didn't ever pay attention to it. It makes me sad to think that talented people get rejected for up-to-date people. People who can play their ass off are brushed off for people who can play the latest songs that'll bring in the people. Instead of inspiring, we are just trying to hype. Instead of soulful stimulation, we're focusing on a temporary illusion of stimulation which is usually induced by some form of abuse (alcohol, drug, etc.). It's just one of the many things I'm started to see differently.


nonsense:
I apparently have a new pair of glasses in which I see the world with that point out the realism in things. It's pretty startling when you notice the before & after mentalities. I wouldn't say I thought I was living a dream but it's definitely a completely different perspective. I've always had a struggle accepting my circumstance and lately it's not so much struggling to accept anything as much as it is struggling to change it. I feel clouded by negativity, even at home. I just want to grow. I feel like my growth is being stunted. It's not a good feeling. It's like being so close, yet so far from a lot of things. Ugh, most emo thing I've said in a while. I'm such a girl sometimes, it's annoying. I hate estrogen and the feelings that come with it (lol).


'til next time, stay classy!♥

the falling action.

There's no bible study today cuz of the 4th of July so I feel like I don't know what to do with myself, lol.
In English, there's a model for most novels. 
Exposition: basically the introduction (where characters, plot, setting, etc. are revealed) 
Rising Action: the build up of the whole story 
Climax: the turning point of everything
Falling Action: what happens after the "dun dun dun" moment.
Resolution: fairy tale? (or not, whatever: the ending)
   Now if I use that and apply it to my life, I'd say I'm in the falling action phase. The hardest part is over. My break up has literally redefined everything for me. Some have told me there's worse. They're right.. but for me, this has been the hardest thing I've dealt with emotionally. It's made me evaluate my entire life and why things happened the way they did that led up to it. I'm human. I've messed up a myriad amount of times. So many, it's kinda overwhelming to think about. However, I haven't really ever grown as much as I have this summer. I have never cared about anything more than my past relationship. NEVER. Nothing has ever made me think I was wrong. I thought everything I did was just dealing with a bad set of cards over and over again. Nothing has ever made me feel so much (usually I shut down).
   I've had a lot of free time and everyday I think about writing in my journal but I can't. I can't even begin to imagine where I'd start. I'd want to write from day one of meeting Andrew. The initial interest, the whole "swept off my feet" feeling, the refreshing conversations, the gestures of love that amazed me, the falling in love all over again with him when he came back from South Carolina (feeling like I was a giddy high schooler again), the complete euphoria I felt day after day after day until the problems started and the indescribable devastation I felt when things fell apart. Just to write about all the good would take me like a year because the moments replay in my head and feel just as real as when I watch TV. I always want to punch myself when I think about how much I've left out of my life in my journals. Andrew's even commented on it but if he only knew. Every time something has happened with him, I've wanted to write it down at that moment to document the raw feelings but I get caught up in the awe of it and always put it off. I could reflect now and write about it but I think it would've been a completely different and more vivid rendition of my relationship. I really think the pages would've screamed so loud with emotion that you'd have to close the notebook. 
   As of late, I'm not trying to dwell in the bad part of it but if I could sum up the feelings with something, it'd be this:

               You were my home

               Now I just walk the streets.

               My soft warm bed

               Now has only cold sheets.

               You were my sun

               Now the world's dark and cold.

               We were a future

               Now there's just growing old.

   I would share the other one but this entry would be kinda long, lol. Anyways, I've been on an emotional roller coaster ride this summer, considering I haven't had much of a social life. It's lead me to a better path though..one with purpose. I still feel lost in many ways, but before this would've had me running to my old vices so I'd feel invincible again. Now, I'm taking things as they hit me and learning that it's okay to not feel 100% all the time. It's on those days that you can build yourself up again  and be even better on your good days. I don't exactly have all the answers to my life yet, but at least I know who to go to now.

   Despite what's happened between us, I still love Andrew more everyday. It matures daily too. I don't think I can describe what I feel for Andrew in words...but when I think of it, the famous Corinthians verses ring in my head. I think everything that I shown what's described in those verses except for the fact that I haven't been the most patient person in the world. It took a toll on him and ultimately, our relationship BUT thankfully God has shown me His amazing grace and allowed me to remain in contact with Andrew so now I'm trying to fix that flaw. It's really pulling me to come full circle from young lady to woman.The only person that's comforted me is one of my old coworkers who said that if I do love Andrew as much as it seems, to keep fighting. It's a daily battle with myself but hopefully I'll win the war. Do I know what's going to happen? No. Am I scared? Oh yeah...but I'm going with the miraculous signs He has shown me in the past couple of weeks and riding with that. I always knew it just wasn't my gut telling me to stick around and now that I'm trying to listen to the ultimate Coach, all I can do is pray to Him for more advice. He's already graciously come to me twice and it's been an eye-opener each time. Though my situation isn't my ideal one, I'm comforted by my faith which almost feels weird because when things used to happen to me, my sprinkle of faith in anything would evaporate in thin air. Now, I cling to my faith for dear life because it's the only thing that keeps me going. To anyone who does bother to read this thing, I just ask for prayer. I would be the happiest person alive if I could just have that moment I'm praying for. The moment to feel this again:

Thank you.

'til next time, stay classy♥

breaking the silence.

I was really trying to practice more discretion every since recent events in my life, which is why I haven't updated here or on Facebook.
I just can't help it though. I haven't felt this excitement in a long time...well probably like in 8 months. 
(since I fell in love)
This is a different type of excitement though. I feel good.
It's weird.
Why, you ask? I've read the Bible.
Some from the actual copy I have and some from Google search (lol) but it's amazing.
I've never in my whole life felt so much comfort from reading something. 
I've agreed with some great writers, I've being in awe, I've been touched but never comforted.
As I continue my counseling (that originally started as a means to repair my relationship),
the counselor says she sees a change in me and in my focus. She smiles. I see it too.  
For most of the sessions, I had been crying. Complaining. Venting. Seeing any information I could take to fix things. 
However, this past session, that wasn't my goal. I told her about a disappointing meeting with my (now ex) fiance this past week but I wasn't COMPLETELY broken as I have been previously.
I feel this certain sense of longing to reunite with Andrew, but I'm not pushing it. It has to come at the right time.
Everyday, we take for granted that we have the CHOICE to decide what bothers us and what doesn't. 
It's a simple yet powerful tool we take for granted. 
I was going to make this summer a priority for church, quality time with loved ones, my body, my beautiful dogs, and my relationship and I haven't. I've chosen not to because I've been my vision has only been for my relationship.
I chose to neglect everything to grieve. That's normal. I'm still indescribably devastated. That doesn't mean that I become the living dead. 
I have been though. Reading the Bible gives me this enlightenment that no person has been able to given me.
I'm not the the point where I can recite verses by memory, but I have a feeling I will be very soon.
Does this mean I'm over Andrew? Not by any means.
This means I've redirected my focus though to what I've ignored my whole life: my faith in God.
I'm sure once I give myself to Him in the way He wants, things will fall into place, according to His plan. 
I never thought I'd sound so proud of my growing faith, but I am. It's great.

This is my adorable honey bear, Dusty.
He's only 4 months but he's already bulked up to 15 pounds!! They grow too fast. :'(
'til next time, stay classy!♥