after the spark comes the flame.

So..I don't really know what else to say except that I give up for now.

As much as I want a solid relationship, it's apparently not in the cards for me at this point of my life.

I was really satisfied with the way things were going with A, but it's over.

I feel a lot of emotions, but I haven't cried. This is new.

It's like I'm too shocked to react the way I normally would.

I don't think I deserved it.. I feel maybe there's like a mild stigma that I didn't 

earn. I feel like just as quickly as it picked up, it fell apart. I feel embarrassed because of 

what my family will probably say. He was the first that I had introduced them to in a longggg time. I feel abandoned, as if I betrayed someone

when I didn't do anything. I feel as soon as any form of insecurity sparked on his side, he bailed.

It's another guy who bails..big whoop.

Normally, I cry and mope around and sometimes skip both school and work. I cut myself off from the

world to grieve and don't even speak to my close friends...but this time is different...life goes on.

I DID wanna cry when I went to his place..my heart was so loud I was self conscious that he was gonna hear it. The only other time I came close to tears was last night when my phone mysteriously deleted all my inbox, including all the cute texts from him. Maybe it's a sign to not dwell on what's done. I'm extremely sad, but feel very clean (if that makes any sense). Normally I have some horrible drama or guilt or "what if"s in my head but for the most part, I feel I did everything right. I put 1356958692678% of myself into a relationship and with 100% integrity. Maybe that was my problem, though. I opened up more than I would ever but then again, the trust was there. Me trusting him so much led to him not trusting me...hmm?

I guess. I fell hard but I can't convince someone of something. Especially when I've already tried.

I've clearly expressed myself both verbally and psychically and if that's not enough, I don't know what is. I want him to come back, but his age makes that a slim chance.

He was what I needed after dealing with someone like S. He showed me a side I didn't think guys had anymore. He gives me hope that I can still find what I deserve in this corrupt world. There ARE good people left..you just gotta look. I'm done looking though. It'll find me when it's the appropriate time. 

He was absolutely amazing..while it lasted. 

'til next time, stay classy<3

update..LONG overdue.

So I swore to myself I was going to write in my journal but I'm sleepy so this will have to suffice for now.

With this new semester in school has come a new appreciation for things..

I hadn't appreciated things in a long time..or at least not been so happy about it.

I always wanted to appreciate..and did, but was very bitter about stuff.

I actually feel happy. This is new to me. I don't know if it's a europhia that I'm experiencing 

because of a new man that's in my life. He really is a man. He's the package I've been wanting 

for a looonnggg time. It was so random but the intial spark has really heated up into an intense flame.

In the short time we've known each other, we've already been sick together, gone to church together, gone walking, ate.. a SHITLOAD, met my folks..just a lot of experiences I haven't shared with someone in a really long time. I'm really enjoying this blessing God has brought my way. :) Anyways, he's in South Carolina for two weeks so I need to shape up because I'm going to be a Hooters girl for Halloween! ;) haha. 

Upcoming things to look forward to? Afrojack's coming up this month! Ahh! This whole thing about everyone liking Deadmau5 is really pissing me off. I hate when people just "jump on the bandwagon". I've loved him forever..now I feel like I have to move on to another unknown. Anyways, I don't mind loving Usher and will see him in November, along with Trey Songz. Perfect. :)

I've had some minor drama at home but it's just really annoying. It's been a chronic thing and has begun to wear me out a bit, I think. 

I still have a lot of things to get done before January hits, but for now I can comfortably say that I am happy and hopeful and secure with my past, present, and future, which I think is something epic to say.

'til next time, stay classy!♥

a new slot to my bucket list.

I live in a city of comfort.

I'm not saying that's a bad thing..unless you strive on spontaneity.
There is a difference between structure and routine in life.
I love structure and purpose, but not so much routine.
Some routine is mandatory in life and I understand that but
I need a lot of stimulation because my mind travels at 2,165,463,232 mph.

I have a lot of ideas and no outlet..at least not here.

I write..that's more like therapy though.

I hate to say it but if you don't party in Laredo, you're pretty much out of the loop.

You either settle and become like everyone else here or leave and do your own thing.

I think I still have a lot of growing up to do and since here, everyone kinda stays at the same level, no one is gonna push me.
I'm not saying I need the push but when you're around driven and positive people,
you tend to see positive results. It's a logical correlation.
If you hang out with smarter kids, your grades are higher.
If you hang out with trendy kids, you're gonna be more "image conscious".
Get the picture?

I'm not narrow-minded at all. In fact, I think I'm too open-minded sometimes, which is why

I want to branch out and discover my own set of solid beliefs. 

Maybe it's the Libra in me that has found both sides to almost everything but that leaves everyone else understood.
What about me? I've tried to fix everyone else for so long
that I kind of lost sight of myself. I was used to being someone's rock whether it was
my friends or boys that have come and gone. I think it's time I really get the space
space I deserve to evaluate everything I want for myself.

Next summer seems like the appropriate time to try something new because after that,
I'll have to tie down and focus on school to make sure I graduate on time.

I know probably only like 1.23 people read this, so I'm comfortable writing here 

about something I was keeping to myself to prevent the typical "monkey-see, monkey-do"

effect that is so contagious in Laredo.

I'm studying abroad next summer and I want to do it alone...

More money on top of my already pending obligations..but I think it'll be worth it.

-til next time, stay classy♥

p.s.- I miss him more and more as each day goes by.

I think it's because I'm becoming less and less bitter.

It's a balancing act, I suppose. ugh.

angry chick music...well kind of.

OMG I'm such a girl. lmao 

I took pictures of the gift I made him but I think that gift should for private eyes only. Sorry.

Pretty creative though. I impressed myself.

Damn I would've made such a good army wife, haha jk.

So yeah..today he left and that's done.
I've become comfortably numb to the whole situation and 

can move on to better things, I guess.
Like my new tattoo (yes I got it July 23rd) and blog title say..change is the only constant.

So far, so good.:)

'til then, stay classy!♥

a new chapter?

This must be a sign from God, lol.

Anyways, I've finally decided to let things go with him.

I used to think that I was full of strength for even holding on this long, but

now I'm learning that sometimes it takes more strength to know when to let go.

I've done everything..and now I can't do anything but end things as best I can

and just let things be..you can't change people or their actions..the only 

thing you can do is change your reaction to them. 

I miss being genuinely happy. I miss my spunk..
It's still there but now it's sporadic as opposed to the BAM you used to get.

Life's and sometimes you just gotta say fuck it and go with the flow.

haha, I feel like I'm just throwing out a bunch of lines but this is what I feel.

I think I had a slight epiphany. I mean, I've had them before but this one 

seems like it's gonna stick. 

I used to keep a journal a lot but now I'm blogging instead..

I don't blog often. I used to write a lot.

I don't know..something different I guess.

It's pretty much the same outlet but in a different format. 

The last writing I did was by far some of my best. 

Not like content wise like epic like "DAMMNN" but like therapeutic.

ehh..

'til then, stay classy!♥