finally 21.

So today I was watching this guy at work play some really beautiful chords on the guitar (don't ask me which ones though haha) and I started thinking," Man, I've been putting off buying my guitar forever." 
I wanted to buy myself one for my birthday and start learning but because I had to pay some bills, I decided I would wait a little more. When I heard the guy play though, I was tired of hearing and wanted to make the music so I just bought this beauty. I think I'll name her Stela, lol.

My 21st wasn't at all what I imagined it to be. It was full of emotions and conflict and definitely not your average coming of age. However, I have some good people for friends so at the end of the evening, it turned out to a pretty fun time dining and drinking a few with some friends at a new restaurant that recently opened up. I did a lot of reflecting on how much had happened from one year to the next and how much my situation and my opinions have changed. For example, what I think about this link:


http://www.kctv5.com/story/15598785/mexico-considering-temporary-marriages


The article talks about Mexico considering temporary licenses. Basically people get married and at the two year mark, they renew their contract if it's going good or opt out to call it quits, supposedly to spare the stress of divorce. Now, while I understand the good intention of this I really am quite offended (which is something I haven't experienced before about topics like this). This is destroying the entire concept of marriage. Marriage is the biggest decision you can make and people are significantly reducing the importance by giving them a way out. It's degrading and sad. It makes me think of points from a lot of the books I have been reading recently. You don't get fat overnight. You get fat because slowly but surely, you eat more than you should and exercise less. It's a gradual process. Normally, you don't blow out your back in one injury. It's just years of stress that finally wear it down.Our economy's financial situation is a bunch of small, bad decisions that are now surfacing and biting us in the butt. This principle is what can also explain society. People ask why today's culture is as bad as it is right now and this "temporary marriage" idea is exactly why we keep digging ourselves into a deeper hole. It's choices like these that gear us in a direction where we shouldn't be going. I bought a journal in Memphis that had a lot of quotes I agreed with and I think this one applies:


"The more humanity advances, the more it is degraded." 


I've changed a lot of my ideas lately, not because I'm any less empathetic but because I'm learning that being objective doesn't mean being heartless. I used to let emotions control me and a lot of the times, that's why I failed. Living a life based on what you feel can be very, very up and down and I just want stability. I came across some interesting stats that made me think.


40 years ago…

• The average house was 1000 sq feet, now it’s 2422 sq feet
• A McDonald’s cheeseburger cost 30 min of wages, now it costs 3 min
• There was 1 car for every 2 households, now there are 2 for every 1 household
• Life expectancy has since gone up by an average of 8 years
• GDP has since tripled or gone up 8.9 trillion dollars

So we live in bigger homes, make more money, and have longer lives. 
If that is the case, how can we explain that in the last 40 years:

• The divorce rate has doubled
• Teen suicide has tripled
• Recorded violent crime has quadrupled
• And depression has increased 10x – that’s right ten times.

These stats get me thinking..a lot.
I know what it feels like to be chronically depressed and don't want my children to feel what I did. 
The type of family I want has had me change opinions on a lot of things.
I used to be indifferent about this whole Toddlers & Tiaras controversy but now I think it's absurd. We are stripping innocence away from children. If we start drilling them about image at such a young age, how can we not expect them to have a complex growing up? I think kids have enough to worry about growing up in a decent household and parents who love them. Once they go out into the world, they are influenced by teachers, TV, and countless other sources and I can't honestly believe some parents subject their kids to such scrutiny. I don't want gay marriage to be legalized and I'm sorry if that offends.We are blurring too many lines. I get silver lining can be good but we need to have black and white. Structure is what keeps us grounded. If we don't stand for something, we fall for everything. People who are making legitimate steps to legalize gay marriage understand that they have a voice and use it. Others don't take advantage of it due to fear of being seen as too narrow-minded. I used to have an extreme phobia with that myself but lately, I'm having a change of heart. Seriously, too many people are band wagon followers. I don't want my kids questioning their sexual orientation at age 4 when they ask why I have a husband and why other girls have wives. I'm not trying to sound like I hate gays. I don't. I was also heartbroken about the recent suicide of that 14-year old boy who was bullied for being gay. I have a best friend who is gay and would never want him feeling like that. However, I respect that from a Biblical and scientific point of view, we were designed for a man and a woman. A man cannot impregnate another man and two women will never produce a baby. It's just simple anatomy. As much as people roll their eyes when they hear the Bible being brought up, no one can deny the fact that once you take a look at it, it answers pretty much any question life can throw at you. No other book can do that. Some people frowned upon what this guy said:


http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/Ladies-Rocco-Grimaldi-requests-you-cover-up-for?urn=nhl-wp13663


I respect this guy for being so firm in his beliefs despite the criticism. I aim to be that strong someday. For now, I'm working on it. I'm reading a book that I'll elaborate on later. I used to think I was really liberal but this year, I'm discovering I have a lot of opinions I've just been suppressing and these are just a few of the many. Can you imagine how long of an entry it would be to document them ALL? You would never come back to this blog again, lol.


'til next time, stay classy! ♥

interesting article..

on the inclination of people and their belief in God.
http://www.livescience.com/16151-god-belief-intuition.html
Maybe some truth? Maybe not. Check it out. Just something to make you think.

crazy love is crazy good.

"Crazy Love" by Francis Chan was definitely a memorable read for me. A lot of what I had read was stuff I have already been exposed to but the honesty in a lot of his insight was very blunt (in a good way). I liked his use of Scripture and how he made it cohesive with his thoughts without distorting the content to his advantage. My goal is to read at least one book every two weeks. This is the first of probably a lot of reviews, lol. I'm doing this paired with my reading plan for the Bible. I will be completely done with it in December, as I'm on track to finish it in 90 days. So far I'm on the book of Leviticus and I gotta say, reading the Bible and then going back to reading faith-based books is kinda neat cuz I am slowly becoming more familiar with the characters and stories being used. I recommend this book to anyone who likes to feel something when they read. I know I kept shifting from analogical to inspired to passionate. His use of everyday people was also very much uplifting and I especially was touched by the joy of the younger girls mentioned early on in the book. I don't even have to see a face or know much about her to know she loved Christ. I won't give anything away but it makes you think about how God uses people, no matter how grim a circumstance seems.  Also, this is the first book that commands you to do things while reading. It'll tell you to stop reading to pray or to think or to go watch videos that are on the book's website. It's a very refreshing approach to your convential preaching. Anyways, I've updated my playlist on this blog to match my current tastes in music. I'm kinda jumping from every genre and kinda going back to a lot of stuff I used to love before I hit my wild streak. I'm also trying to stay focused on my schoolwork and so far I haven't fallen behind on any work (that alone proves there IS a God, lol). This year I got financial aid for the first time ever (later than most due to some problems with registration but luckily, all straightened out). It's also another thing that lets me know I can't just blow things off. I'm used to waiting 'til I'm "in the right mood" but I bought a planner and try to do as much as I can on every day's agenda. It keeps me going cuz I like to check things off. I used to do it before but love distracted me. I can't say I'm having the most amazing life ever right now but I'm learning discipline and to not live in my head. I'd be lying if I said I still don't have my extreme lows...I still miss him. It's impossible to neglect a love as strong as the one I have for him. Even looking back at this blog makes me kinda sad..but God is the only thing that's keeping me here. I absolutely hate how things have ended but I do believe my interactions with God have been genuine so I have to put all my eggs in that basket (as Francis Chan tries to persuade you to do). I'm also getting together with an amazing faith-based counselor that's helping me battle my inner demons. I've kept a lot of junk in my head and in my heart that I've constantly beat myself up over. I've wallowed in shame and have especially let it destroy both me and my relationship with Andrew. That relationship enhanced every bit of self-hatred I had lurking in the back of my head but now I'm learning to control emotions that have damaged certain aspects of my life. Slowly, painfully, and patiently, I might be able to be happy. Maybe.

can't bring you back..

I tried with every pore in my body, every inch of my soul and I couldn't.
I cannot believe it. He took my body then erased me.
I am both full of emotion yet numb..
I both hate him for what he's done and said to push me away
and yet I love him for what he used to say and do to keep me.
I miss his willingness and efforts to show me how much he loved me..
Simply put: I miss his love...more than anything else in this entire world. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6jWBQzEnFY


This song is exactly how my relationship with Andrew went...


One thousand words would not bring you back
I know because i tried
Neither would one thousand tears
I know because I cried

You left behind a broken heart
happy memories too
But I did not want memories...


I wanted you...


This poem is exactly how I feel.
I love him.. 
and as the emptiness consumes me, he's writing about the hell he's in for still talking to me..
My identity is lost because my identity became being his.
I am in an unrequited love so deep that even in my dreams, I can't escape.
I am lost..I am completely drained.. I am broken...I am angry..I am sad..
at myself, at Andrew, and partly at God. 
He is the One I need and I don't feel Him around trying to help me.
I need Him...I kept trying cuz I thought He was rooting for us and saw what I saw.
...patience is both a virtue and a curse.

leading ladies, love, and trust.

To start this entry off, I'm going in order of the blog title.

I get pretty bored at work and start Googling sometimes just to make the hours go by faster. Of course, that'll get me going with all these ideas in my head (since I can never turn that thing off). Today was particularly insightful as I stumbled upon an article that inspired some of this entry.

I read that Time Magazine recently named Amy Poehler as one of Time's 100 Most Influential People and I gotta say that brought a smile to my face. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are some of the most refreshing people in Hollywood today and are what I aspire to be like one day. I don't mean that I wanna be a carbon copy of them professionally, physically, or anything but just comfortable in my skin. These women are not the norm. They do not rely on their sexuality to navigate their careers. You almost never hear how hot they both are before you hear about what they're doing with their lives. They aren't intimidated by men and gender stereotypes. They have opinions. They can laugh at themselves. Do they ever wear slutty clothes? No. Half the time, they're dancing like idiots or doing something equally embarrassing/hilariously awesome. They often bring in their loved ones into their own projects (in other words, they take care of who they care about). I think I look up to both because I see some of myself in them but because of my insecurities, I've kind of conformed in life sometimes. I know I'm on the path to embracing myself better and when I look at these women, they are not where they're at because they followed the traditional "leading lady" blueprint. They are themselves and have acquired success because they've embraced and highlighted that in everything that they do. In that aspect, I definitely respect them both and hope to one day resemble them in that sense. I've taken a test that's fairly accurate about the kind of person I am.  Here's the link to my results. Although sometimes I hate being so nice, it's who I am. I've gotta learn to embrace rather than reject because I've done that with everyone/everything but myself. 

 http://www.ipersonic.com/type/EI.html

Love, as I've learned this year, is not an emotion. It is a commitment. It's the hardest commitment to fulfill because it's so simple. People wanna use the phrases "common sense" and "common courtesy" but we rarely actually put those terms into practice (hence the other cliche: "It's a lot easier said that done").  Love has definitely been turned into something so complex because it's taken so many different definitions to so many groups of people. In today's society, I feel we all unconsciously look for what a person can give us rather than what/who a person is and once we find "that person", we slap the word love to it so we can lock the person in. To some, love is security and to others it's a good time. Love can be sex and love can be financial stability. We idolize based on the universal themes we're all wanting/thinking will make us happy but I've discovered different. People want to say love is "work" but that's a harsh adjective for "effort" and "attention". Disagree? Well let me throw a couple of examples at you:

A person who loves music: Spends money on gear, spends time on practicing/performing/studying, invests emotions because they're passionate. Does it feel like "work" to them? No. It's something they live for so it doesn't feel like an obligation.

Second, a person who loves themselves enough to notice the pounds packing on: Spends money on books/clothes/gym memberships/special foods, spends time reading those books (well if this person is committed, haha), going to the gym, making special meals with the special foods, etc. Does that feel like work to them? Well.... lol. Maybe, but they don't complain because they love themselves enough to "work" and pay attention and at least try ("effort") to to change their lifestyle to ultimately better themselves and their quality of life. For me, love is God. Why? God is perfect. I'm not saying I am but I try to think like he would every day. Some of the beginning of this sounds very cold but believe me, I am the corniest, most romantic, most pathetic (lol) girl on the planet when it comes to love but it's just a different mindset I've had lately to ultimately receive that dream I want. Why spend time finding the perfect person instead of creating the perfect love? I'll post up the links to an amazing set of sermons by Andy Stanley that have helped. Would I say I love? Definitely. By nature, I think I'm naturally a loving person but have never really had the leverage to show to what extent. I do love though..very deeply. This link is pretty much how I love and how I want to be loved.

http://www.christian-marriage-today.com/definition-of-love.html

Lastly, trust. To make this short (since I've blabbed forever on this thing), trust is not earned. It is given. How do I know? I tried to earn trust...so hard and fell even harder. It's never going to work that way though. There have been people that have done things to merit my trust but I really can't think of 5 five people I completely trust. Some people have never done me wrong but I refuse to let them in. That sounds mean but it's just to illustrate a point. I've let other people in my past who haven't been worthy to have my trust and that's why I'm such a bitter ass bitch. (haha a little dry humor at the end) Nah, but you know what I mean? Trust is something we give to people and in a way, it's more flattering than giving someone your love. 

I wanna talk more but I won't. I'll end with this:

Everyone must go see Crazy, Stupid, Love. It's one of my favorite new movies. 

'til next time, stay classy!♥