breaking the silence.

I was really trying to practice more discretion every since recent events in my life, which is why I haven't updated here or on Facebook.
I just can't help it though. I haven't felt this excitement in a long time...well probably like in 8 months. 
(since I fell in love)
This is a different type of excitement though. I feel good.
It's weird.
Why, you ask? I've read the Bible.
Some from the actual copy I have and some from Google search (lol) but it's amazing.
I've never in my whole life felt so much comfort from reading something. 
I've agreed with some great writers, I've being in awe, I've been touched but never comforted.
As I continue my counseling (that originally started as a means to repair my relationship),
the counselor says she sees a change in me and in my focus. She smiles. I see it too.  
For most of the sessions, I had been crying. Complaining. Venting. Seeing any information I could take to fix things. 
However, this past session, that wasn't my goal. I told her about a disappointing meeting with my (now ex) fiance this past week but I wasn't COMPLETELY broken as I have been previously.
I feel this certain sense of longing to reunite with Andrew, but I'm not pushing it. It has to come at the right time.
Everyday, we take for granted that we have the CHOICE to decide what bothers us and what doesn't. 
It's a simple yet powerful tool we take for granted. 
I was going to make this summer a priority for church, quality time with loved ones, my body, my beautiful dogs, and my relationship and I haven't. I've chosen not to because I've been my vision has only been for my relationship.
I chose to neglect everything to grieve. That's normal. I'm still indescribably devastated. That doesn't mean that I become the living dead. 
I have been though. Reading the Bible gives me this enlightenment that no person has been able to given me.
I'm not the the point where I can recite verses by memory, but I have a feeling I will be very soon.
Does this mean I'm over Andrew? Not by any means.
This means I've redirected my focus though to what I've ignored my whole life: my faith in God.
I'm sure once I give myself to Him in the way He wants, things will fall into place, according to His plan. 
I never thought I'd sound so proud of my growing faith, but I am. It's great.

This is my adorable honey bear, Dusty.
He's only 4 months but he's already bulked up to 15 pounds!! They grow too fast. :'(
'til next time, stay classy!♥

rearranging.

Like I've posted before, colorquiz.com is always pretty spot on with its results. I've had some chronic drama with my roommate and although I kind of fell in love with San Antonio, my living arrangement isn't exactly working for me. That and I have a wedding to plan. Look at what this thing is telling me:

Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.Generated on Tue, 10 May 2011 09:07:16 -0700. Your Existing Situation "Insecure with himself, needs stable roots and emotional security. Seeking an environment which provides comfort and few problems." Your Stress Sources "Wishes for freedom and independence, free from limitations and restrictions except for the ones she choices to give himself." Your Restrained Characteristics "His desire to avoid open conflict and tension forces her to put her desires on hold, even though she is feeling restrained and uneasy." Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound. "Feels she is not receiving her fair share and is unable to rely on anyone for support or sympathy. she keeps her emotions bottled up, leaving her quick to take offense to small things. she tries to make the best of her situation." Your Desired Objective "Does not feel there is any purpose in fulfilling her hopes and dreams, and therefore chooses the easy way and avoids conflicts. " Your Actual Problem Searching security and a position in where the demands of others is not put solely on her.

The whole part about not seeing a purpose in my dreams isn't 100% though. It's just that my plan WAS San Antonio..with my productive best friend. We had both talked about San Antonio being something completely different to us than what it is now. I've kept my word to someone I thought was my friend so I can't really say "what if" to that situation anymore. It really saddens me but I have a lot to look forward to: happiness, peace, stability, and security..FINALLY.  Those sound like really easy things to ask for but believe me, I've struggled with these my whole life and I feel like the direction I'm going in my life will give me that peace of mind I've longed for. My fiance has been a great help ever since we've sorted our issues out and at this point, delayed gratification is the best way to go. People my age will go hard right now and forget about their responsibilities but have nothing to show for it later; they'll just have their memories. I'll balance work and play now and end up having a lot more accomplished in my young life and will and be able to play just as hard as I worked later. It's just a little discipline that'll go a looonnggg way. I've got to learn to appreciate what I do have instead of looking at what I could have. My life may be flawed, but I'm blessed. I'm ready to just take things a day at a time for a change and enjoy life's simple pleasures instead of reaching for something ahead of my time. It's taken probably a lot longer than it should've but I think I'm finally learning.
'til next time, stay classy!♥

Through the turbulence,

we have made it through 6 months. To a lot of couples, it might not have as much importance as it does to me but being with Andrew for half a year is a pretty significant milestone. We've been through a lot of ups and down and through a lot of situations at an earlier time than most couples. I KNOW people who have dated for 6 months aren't talking about the M word. With this acceleration has come a lot of debate as to what we want in life and where we are in life as individuals but my prespective on this hasn't changed. I want Andrew..forever. I don't want him as my friend. I don't want him as some random acquaintance I run into every couple of years. I want him so that I can grow old with him. I want him to be around for everything in my life. I want to be there for everything in his. I want us to make our lives whole..and that hasn't changed. Where I want more exposure, he's been there (in regards to music, traveling, and religion). Where he needs me, I'm there. We compliment each other very well because we balance each other out to make a nice, well-rounded couple. We're opposites and opposites attract. However, we are also VERY alike..and I think that's been the thing that's made us clash sometimes. I think we need to just "be" instead of "trying to be". I love him so much that it's hard to not write about him. This blog is supposed to be about me and he is a part of me now...in fact, he's most of me because he is my other half. I can't mention myself without mentioning him anymore. I'm awfully proud of who I've become. Due to a lot of dissappointment in my young life, I (sadly) conformed and lost sight of my true character. Now, I've rediscovered my old self. I thought that bitch had been buried 6 feet under..I didn't think I'd get her back. Leave it to someone as extraordinary as Andrew to get her. Cheers to the most eventful, eye-opening, stressful, blissful, quickest, and hardest 6 months of my life...with Andrew Patrick Kurtz. Having him around makes life enjoyable. These past months haven't been the easiest, but I've had him with me through it all and that's all that counts.
'til next time, stay classy! ♥

wahhhh! :(

Who knew kids would get so worked up over pencils? lol Today was my final lesson for Junior Achievement. I gotta say these kids grew on me. After the second lesson, they were always really welcoming to me and I really started to look forward to going. I wanted to give them candy bags but since there's so many rules about giving food to kids now-a-days so instead I bought them all things they could use: school supplies. Goodie bags of school supplies and boy did they go nuts. :\ I didn't know pencils and booklights were going to be so appreciated. It was like these kids were on crack, lol. I'm going to miss them. JA is definitely a great experience. I got a little sad when I had to turn in my kit. :( haha maybe I'll do it when I go back to Laredo.

Mrs. Jarrett's 2nd grade class (Evers Elementary)


'til next time, stay classy! ♥

It's come to this..

No matter what anyone says, (other than deaths) the WORST feeling in the world is not being trusted by someone you love. I didn't wanna originally blog about this cuz I don't want my business out there but I really don't have other outlets to vent freely and without judgement. I hate hearing the advice I'm getting from people. Just because I'm young and "will have other options" doesn't mean for me to throw away someone incredible that I have right now. I am so unbelievably in love with my fiance..and just because we went on vacation and had a great time doesn't mean the problems went away. I have done EVERYTHING I can think of now to prove myself. I've been really nice to guys that didn't deserve it in my past but I feel Andrew is more than deserving of my efforts. I'm literally putting myself and my soul on the line and hope that God will get us both through this. I've never felt this vulnerable..I want to have hope that things will work out but I honestly don't know. All I know is the love that I have and want to share with him and him only. I know he still believes I'm that exceptional girl but I'm scared he's scared to trust it anymore. I want to spend the rest of my life showing Andrew he's made the right choice and that he never had to doubt it.

'til next time, stay classy! ♥