new goals = new plans

   So today was my first lesson with my kids at Mrs. Jarrett's 2nd grade class at Evers Elementary School. I was super antsy right before walked in but apparently these kids recognize me from the initial meet and greet so that eased me up a bit and after the set-up for my lesson is when I really got comfortable.
   I have always thought teaching would be very suitable for me. However, I feel like teaching doesn't make the kind of money I'd want. Part of the reason I decided to do JA was so I could explore this and maybe see if I would actually seriously consider. There's probably a lot of other careers where my intelligence could be applied in but the benefits of being a teacher have always interested me: good hours, weekends and summers off, and the flexibility to be creative with learning.
   I've decided I'm moving back to Laredo after this semester. Initially, I was staying in San Antonio for a year but things have come up....I'M ENGAGED :) and well the experience here hasn't lived up to the experience I imagined in my mind. San Antonio is a great city, but it will always be here. For now, I'm gonna focus on me and finish school and get closer to loved ones. I want to make an effort to bridge the gap that has been there for soo long. I WILL leave Laredo.. but I'll have to wait a little longer than I thought. It's not just a "me" now; it's an "us".
-'til next time, stay classy♥

elaboration on 2011..so far.

This is the least cheesy one I could find. It's from the Bahamas, lol.

JA; so when I mentioned in the last post that I had more short-term goals that I was pursuing, this was one of them. I'm kind of nervous but it should be beneficial. I get a full-letter grade bump on one of my classes, get something good on my resume, and help children make our economy better. Fuck it, seems like there are no real negatives. Even the time commitment isn't bad: only five 45-minute lessons that can be done anytime before April. Seems easy enough but the whole working with kids thing is what's getting me nervous. I've never really dealt with children except for when I was in charge for Larriette Kiddie Camps. This involves more involvement with schools and teachers though. I think it's a step in the right direction.

I really miss dancing. I'm taking a ballet class at NWV but it doesn't seem like enough. I miss performing, choreographing, and all of that good stuff. I'm not gifted enough to major in it and make an amazing career out of it and I realize that, but it's definitely the only thing that's really made me feel anything. It's the visuals added to music and music has helped me through the roughest points in my life. It's the only thing that doesn't make me feel numb. I want to get back in it again and am looking into that too. I also want to get in shape, write more, practice faith more, and just get my creative juices flowing. I think I need it.

Okay, enough blabbering for now.

'til next time, stay classy!♥

2011..so far.

So with this new year, I figured I'd do a couple of things:
1) change the title of my blog
    *"change is the only constant" to "my beautiful disaster"
2) change the look of my blog
    * I was going for a crisp, clean vibe with colors, font, and design.
and 3) actually blog more.

I'm not going to lie and say that everything's been a dream, but it's better. I'm currently living in San Antonio and although the move-in process wasn't what I imagined, it definitely feels good to live in an actual thriving city, filled with amazing architecture and multi-cultural diversity.

While getting used to a big city hasn't been an overnight process, I'm enjoying the space from my parents. Just because you leave the nest doesn't mean the problems go away..and a recent visit
couldn't have proven that to be more true. I miss home but not the dysfunction of it...I miss my brothers.

The situation with my roommate isn't a nightmare, but I must admit it saddens me a bit since  I don't see her in the same light anymore. I think before we clicked so well because our goals are the same. Now, we still have the same long-term goals, but I'm just also setting a lot of short-terms ones that have altered
both my personality and choices. I see a lot of my old self in her and it's kinda like a love/hate sort of thing.

School was surprisingly overwhelming. Even the community colleges here blow Laredo's out of the water. Living on my own is definitely showing me how much I've changed from that peppy optimist to the somewhat cautious realist. I'm seeing who I really am without the supervision of my parents, and I gotta say some of it is surprising. Some of what they have taught me has both served me well/ haunted me.

Things with A have been steady..both a good and bad steady. We're back together but living in different cities has brought a new challenging dimension to the relationship. I must say a long-distance relationship is a lot harder than I thought. It all comes down to trust. It's there on my side..but we're working on it on his. I mean, I don't think I have hurt him but I think what he's doing is more prevention than anything. Despite the arguments though, he's still my rock. I was involved in a car accident and he showed me the side I love to see. I don't want to say the accident was a good thing but I see the good in it. It brought us back to the times before the fights...when he was my knight in shining armor. He really is my best friend  despite us being two very different people.

Anyways, to wrap this lengthy entry, I'd just like to summarize what
the purpose of this was:
1) an objective update on my life as of Jan.
2) a subjective update as well..pointing out both the disappointments and the blessings that have been thrown my way so far.

'til next time, stay classy! ♥

after the spark comes the flame.

So..I don't really know what else to say except that I give up for now.

As much as I want a solid relationship, it's apparently not in the cards for me at this point of my life.

I was really satisfied with the way things were going with A, but it's over.

I feel a lot of emotions, but I haven't cried. This is new.

It's like I'm too shocked to react the way I normally would.

I don't think I deserved it.. I feel maybe there's like a mild stigma that I didn't 

earn. I feel like just as quickly as it picked up, it fell apart. I feel embarrassed because of 

what my family will probably say. He was the first that I had introduced them to in a longggg time. I feel abandoned, as if I betrayed someone

when I didn't do anything. I feel as soon as any form of insecurity sparked on his side, he bailed.

It's another guy who bails..big whoop.

Normally, I cry and mope around and sometimes skip both school and work. I cut myself off from the

world to grieve and don't even speak to my close friends...but this time is different...life goes on.

I DID wanna cry when I went to his place..my heart was so loud I was self conscious that he was gonna hear it. The only other time I came close to tears was last night when my phone mysteriously deleted all my inbox, including all the cute texts from him. Maybe it's a sign to not dwell on what's done. I'm extremely sad, but feel very clean (if that makes any sense). Normally I have some horrible drama or guilt or "what if"s in my head but for the most part, I feel I did everything right. I put 1356958692678% of myself into a relationship and with 100% integrity. Maybe that was my problem, though. I opened up more than I would ever but then again, the trust was there. Me trusting him so much led to him not trusting me...hmm?

I guess. I fell hard but I can't convince someone of something. Especially when I've already tried.

I've clearly expressed myself both verbally and psychically and if that's not enough, I don't know what is. I want him to come back, but his age makes that a slim chance.

He was what I needed after dealing with someone like S. He showed me a side I didn't think guys had anymore. He gives me hope that I can still find what I deserve in this corrupt world. There ARE good people left..you just gotta look. I'm done looking though. It'll find me when it's the appropriate time. 

He was absolutely amazing..while it lasted. 

'til next time, stay classy<3

update..LONG overdue.

So I swore to myself I was going to write in my journal but I'm sleepy so this will have to suffice for now.

With this new semester in school has come a new appreciation for things..

I hadn't appreciated things in a long time..or at least not been so happy about it.

I always wanted to appreciate..and did, but was very bitter about stuff.

I actually feel happy. This is new to me. I don't know if it's a europhia that I'm experiencing 

because of a new man that's in my life. He really is a man. He's the package I've been wanting 

for a looonnggg time. It was so random but the intial spark has really heated up into an intense flame.

In the short time we've known each other, we've already been sick together, gone to church together, gone walking, ate.. a SHITLOAD, met my folks..just a lot of experiences I haven't shared with someone in a really long time. I'm really enjoying this blessing God has brought my way. :) Anyways, he's in South Carolina for two weeks so I need to shape up because I'm going to be a Hooters girl for Halloween! ;) haha. 

Upcoming things to look forward to? Afrojack's coming up this month! Ahh! This whole thing about everyone liking Deadmau5 is really pissing me off. I hate when people just "jump on the bandwagon". I've loved him forever..now I feel like I have to move on to another unknown. Anyways, I don't mind loving Usher and will see him in November, along with Trey Songz. Perfect. :)

I've had some minor drama at home but it's just really annoying. It's been a chronic thing and has begun to wear me out a bit, I think. 

I still have a lot of things to get done before January hits, but for now I can comfortably say that I am happy and hopeful and secure with my past, present, and future, which I think is something epic to say.

'til next time, stay classy!♥