Friday, July 29, 2011

apple, music, and other nonsense.,0,6877825.story?track=rss

If you click the link above, you'll read that Apple has more money than the "mighty" U.S. government.
I don't know whether to cry or laugh at this but I enjoy hearing all the clever jokes coming out of this so I'm laughing more than anything.
This just goes to show how even in the midst of one of America's worst troughs ever, our nation's population is still trying to preserve the image of wealth.
Do you REALLY need an iPad right now? No. Do you really have to have the newest iPhone? No. Will people be going crazy trying to get one when it comes out within the next year? Yes. Will they be trying to get the next one after that which will come out like 5 minutes after that? Probably. We are wearing ourselves out by just trying to keep up appearances. We are spending money we don't have on things we don't need and this mindset a mirror image of our government. I'm not going to act like I have this immense knowledge about what's going on because this summer I've been trapped in my own little bubble (lol) but everywhere I turn, it's the same things being pointed out. I'm just some girl in Texico with an opinion. We have the answer and it's just a matter of putting it into practice. I know it's a lot easier said that done since we're kinda screwed burying ourselves in too deep to get out but it's just something that I need to bitch (sorry, I'm trying to stop cussing) about for a couple of sentences. It just scares me. 

The other day I was talking to my coworker and somehow we started talking about music (actually, it's pretty easy to stumble on that conversation in a music store). I used to be IN LOVE with techno music and as I was bringing up the lifestyle that came with it and everything, my coworker pointed out something I've never really considered. He said," I don't like that music and anyone who is a true musician and plays a real instrument doesn't like it because it's taken away our business. Unless you're a rock star and are just too messed up to care, then you like it. Other than that, no." It's so true. Any person who plays a legitimate instrument doesn't really care for really produced music. You rarely find a person who loves with both Led Zeppelin and Deadmau5 equally. There's a certain level of respect I've always had for someone who can play (not produce) and I've never been more aware of this until my coworker brought up how it's hurt business. He pointed out how before, you had options in nightlife and now it's all pretty much techno. I've always known this but I didn't ever pay attention to it. It makes me sad to think that talented people get rejected for up-to-date people. People who can play their ass off are brushed off for people who can play the latest songs that'll bring in the people. Instead of inspiring, we are just trying to hype. Instead of soulful stimulation, we're focusing on a temporary illusion of stimulation which is usually induced by some form of abuse (alcohol, drug, etc.). It's just one of the many things I'm started to see differently.

I apparently have a new pair of glasses in which I see the world with that point out the realism in things. It's pretty startling when you notice the before & after mentalities. I wouldn't say I thought I was living a dream but it's definitely a completely different perspective. I've always had a struggle accepting my circumstance and lately it's not so much struggling to accept anything as much as it is struggling to change it. I feel clouded by negativity, even at home. I just want to grow. I feel like my growth is being stunted. It's not a good feeling. It's like being so close, yet so far from a lot of things. Ugh, most emo thing I've said in a while. I'm such a girl sometimes, it's annoying. I hate estrogen and the feelings that come with it (lol).

'til next time, stay classy!♥

Monday, July 4, 2011

the falling action.

There's no bible study today cuz of the 4th of July so I feel like I don't know what to do with myself, lol.
In English, there's a model for most novels. 
Exposition: basically the introduction (where characters, plot, setting, etc. are revealed) 
Rising Action: the build up of the whole story 
Climax: the turning point of everything
Falling Action: what happens after the "dun dun dun" moment.
Resolution: fairy tale? (or not, whatever: the ending)
   Now if I use that and apply it to my life, I'd say I'm in the falling action phase. The hardest part is over. My break up has literally redefined everything for me. Some have told me there's worse. They're right.. but for me, this has been the hardest thing I've dealt with emotionally. It's made me evaluate my entire life and why things happened the way they did that led up to it. I'm human. I've messed up a myriad amount of times. So many, it's kinda overwhelming to think about. However, I haven't really ever grown as much as I have this summer. I have never cared about anything more than my past relationship. NEVER. Nothing has ever made me think I was wrong. I thought everything I did was just dealing with a bad set of cards over and over again. Nothing has ever made me feel so much (usually I shut down).
   I've had a lot of free time and everyday I think about writing in my journal but I can't. I can't even begin to imagine where I'd start. I'd want to write from day one of meeting Andrew. The initial interest, the whole "swept off my feet" feeling, the refreshing conversations, the gestures of love that amazed me, the falling in love all over again with him when he came back from South Carolina (feeling like I was a giddy high schooler again), the complete euphoria I felt day after day after day until the problems started and the indescribable devastation I felt when things fell apart. Just to write about all the good would take me like a year because the moments replay in my head and feel just as real as when I watch TV. I always want to punch myself when I think about how much I've left out of my life in my journals. Andrew's even commented on it but if he only knew. Every time something has happened with him, I've wanted to write it down at that moment to document the raw feelings but I get caught up in the awe of it and always put it off. I could reflect now and write about it but I think it would've been a completely different and more vivid rendition of my relationship. I really think the pages would've screamed so loud with emotion that you'd have to close the notebook. 
   As of late, I'm not trying to dwell in the bad part of it but if I could sum up the feelings with something, it'd be this:
               You were my home
               Now I just walk the streets.
               My soft warm bed
               Now has only cold sheets.
               You were my sun
               Now the world's dark and cold.
               We were a future
               Now there's just growing old.
   I would share the other one but this entry would be kinda long, lol. Anyways, I've been on an emotional roller coaster ride this summer, considering I haven't had much of a social life. It's lead me to a better path with purpose. I still feel lost in many ways, but before this would've had me running to my old vices so I'd feel invincible again. Now, I'm taking things as they hit me and learning that it's okay to not feel 100% all the time. It's on those days that you can build yourself up again  and be even better on your good days. I don't exactly have all the answers to my life yet, but at least I know who to go to now.
   Despite what's happened between us, I still love Andrew more everyday. It matures daily too. I don't think I can describe what I feel for Andrew in words...but when I think of it, the famous Corinthians verses ring in my head. I think everything that I shown what's described in those verses except for the fact that I haven't been the most patient person in the world. It took a toll on him and ultimately, our relationship BUT thankfully God has shown me His amazing grace and allowed me to remain in contact with Andrew so now I'm trying to fix that flaw. It's really pulling me to come full circle from young lady to woman.The only person that's comforted me is one of my old coworkers who said that if I do love Andrew as much as it seems, to keep fighting. It's a daily battle with myself but hopefully I'll win the war. Do I know what's going to happen? No. Am I scared? Oh yeah...but I'm going with the miraculous signs He has shown me in the past couple of weeks and riding with that. I always knew it just wasn't my gut telling me to stick around and now that I'm trying to listen to the ultimate Coach, all I can do is pray to Him for more advice. He's already graciously come to me twice and it's been an eye-opener each time. Though my situation isn't my ideal one, I'm comforted by my faith which almost feels weird because when things used to happen to me, my sprinkle of faith in anything would evaporate in thin air. Now, I cling to my faith for dear life because it's the only thing that keeps me going. To anyone who does bother to read this thing, I just ask for prayer. I would be the happiest person alive if I could just have that moment I'm praying for. The moment to feel this again:
Thank you.
'til next time, stay classy♥