Sunday, November 14, 2010

after the spark comes the flame.

So..I don't really know what else to say except that I give up for now.
As much as I want a solid relationship, it's apparently not in the cards for me at this point of my life.
I was really satisfied with the way things were going with A, but it's over.
I feel a lot of emotions, but I haven't cried. This is new.

It's like I'm too shocked to react the way I normally would.
I don't think I deserved it.. I feel maybe there's like a mild stigma that I didn't 
earn. I feel like just as quickly as it picked up, it fell apart. I feel embarrassed because of 
what my family will probably say. He was the first that I had introduced them to in a longggg time. I feel abandoned, as if I betrayed someone
when I didn't do anything. I feel as soon as any form of insecurity sparked on his side, he bailed.
It's another guy who bails..big whoop.

Normally, I cry and mope around and sometimes skip both school and work. I cut myself off from the
world to grieve and don't even speak to my close friends...but this time is goes on.
I DID wanna cry when I went to his heart was so loud I was self conscious that he was gonna hear it. The only other time I came close to tears was last night when my phone mysteriously deleted all my inbox, including all the cute texts from him. Maybe it's a sign to not dwell on what's done. I'm extremely sad, but feel very clean (if that makes any sense). Normally I have some horrible drama or guilt or "what if"s in my head but for the most part, I feel I did everything right. I put 1356958692678% of myself into a relationship and with 100% integrity. Maybe that was my problem, though. I opened up more than I would ever but then again, the trust was there. Me trusting him so much led to him not trusting me...hmm?
I guess. I fell hard but I can't convince someone of something. Especially when I've already tried.
I've clearly expressed myself both verbally and psychically and if that's not enough, I don't know what is. I want him to come back, but his age makes that a slim chance.

He was what I needed after dealing with someone like S. He showed me a side I didn't think guys had anymore. He gives me hope that I can still find what I deserve in this corrupt world. There ARE good people just gotta look. I'm done looking though. It'll find me when it's the appropriate time. 
He was absolutely amazing..while it lasted. 

'til next time, stay classy<3